Rowyn (rowyn) wrote,
Rowyn
rowyn

  • Music:

"I wonder if she'll still be alive when I get home?"

She wasn't.

Maybe I should just leave it at that.

There's more I was planning to say but I don't know if I can, now.

The cats' room in our new house isn't heated; it's part of a later extension, a breezeway put on to enclose the stairs to the basement. We didn't realize it until I'd bought it. There are lights in it but no extension. We bought a combination light socket/outlet to put in the light in there, and plugged a space heater into that to keep the cats warm. When you turn off the light the heater goes off, too. We knew this, but I guess we weren't paying attention yesterday morning, because one of us turned the lights and the heater off when we left the house, and the other didn't notice.

I don't think it made a difference. It wasn't that cold in there when I got home -- probably 65, maybe 60 at worst. Ash was fine. Branl's body wasn't even huddled in the cat furniture or the litterbox. She was just sprawled out on the tile floor.

I don't think finding the brewer's yeast last night, or even not having packed it at all so I could've been giving it to her all along would have made a difference, either. Or forcing more food into her. She could hardly swallow, not even liquid. I don't suppose anything would have made a difference.

But I wanted her to be alive, just a little longer. I wanted to come home and pet her and hold her in my lap. I wonder if that's why so often people end up putting their pets to sleep, not only to spare the animal pain but so the people can have them die right, can do the right last things for them, hang onto the perfect moment. The last thing I did with Branl was try to pour food down her throat.

I wish I had held her longer. I wish I'd let her stay in the living room and shit on the carpet, because it really didn't matter anyway.

I wish I had gotten to own her for all sixteen of her years, instead of adopting her when she was already ten.

I wish ....

Rest in peace, Branl. I miss you.
Subscribe

  • Barred Entry

    I don't really want to write about politics, but after weighing in on the mindless Nazi-punching meme I feel like I owe it to the world to comment on…

  • The Difference

    I'm at Panera, and I don't really feel like writing anything in particular. But I do really feel like playing 4thewords, so Imma just ramble for a…

  • Othering

    Anke wrote a Tumblr post on sexism in sf&f. I have complicated thinky thoughts related to this, and decided I should unpack them in my own post.…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 17 comments

  • Barred Entry

    I don't really want to write about politics, but after weighing in on the mindless Nazi-punching meme I feel like I owe it to the world to comment on…

  • The Difference

    I'm at Panera, and I don't really feel like writing anything in particular. But I do really feel like playing 4thewords, so Imma just ramble for a…

  • Othering

    Anke wrote a Tumblr post on sexism in sf&f. I have complicated thinky thoughts related to this, and decided I should unpack them in my own post.…