Rowyn (rowyn) wrote,
Rowyn
rowyn

A love letter


Dear LORD:

Hi.

I guess the thing is, when it comes down to it, I don't know where to start on the page. Isn't that funny? I've told people again and again that it's often easier for me to communicate with people through writing than through talking. So why should it be easier to talk to You?

Well, You never interrupt me, to start. No, that's not quite right. More like I never have to worry about You interrupting me, because You only interrupt at the right times. It's one of the benefits of being G-d, I suppose; You always get these things right.

Anyway. So what I wanted to write was this:

*deep breath*

I love You.

...

Don't look at me like that! I know, You know. I mean, You're G-d. It's pretty obvious to You how we feel. And it's not as though I've never said it before. But ... things are more real when they're written down. I wanted to write this down for You. I want to say it in my own words. Even when those words are clumsy and recalcitrant things. I want to tell You why I love You, because I've written these things down for my friends but never for You.

There are lots of reasons; all the reasons in the world, in fact. Let me pick a few out, because generalizations are dull and I love specific compliments myself so that's what I should give You.

The sky.

When I look up at the sky on a cloudy day, I am awestruck. It's the most beautiful, amazing canvas in the world. And you paint on it, in blue and white and shades of grey, with pinks and purples and golds and reds that run so deep, at sunset. With those streaks of white light that filter down through the clouds like a forlorn hope. Human painters and photographers, we keep trying to capture the sky on paper, and it's pitiful, really. Because all we have to do is look up, and there's the real thing, enormous, everpresent, always changing, utterly amazing.

The world -- the universe, for that matter -- is incredible. The way everything works, not by magic but by simple physical laws. Life itself -- so intricate and so fragile, in some ways, yet in others so durable. Introduce a seemingly minor changes to an ecosystem, and the whole thing can disintegrate, changing beyond all recognition.

But there will still be life in it. Even in the deserts and the tundras, there are still living things, finding a way to eke out their existence on this Earth. People say "Save the planet" as if the planet was in trouble. Might as well say "Save the humans" -- the planet isn't going to stop turning no matter what we do.

I love the way it all works the best. I don't understand why people imagine faith and science are incompatible. Learning the little details of how life came about, how stars ar made, how life evolves -- it makes me appreciate it more. It's even grander for being organized, for being effable. The mind that could understand and create all this ... Wow.

Freedom.

On so many levels, I am grateful for my freedom. For the free will which is my birthright, and for a society which allows me to be free. Yes, I am greedy for even more freedom, and I can imagine a world with ever-less reliance on human manpower, ever-more leisure time. But I can imagine far, far worse than I have now. It's precious to me, more precious than happiness, this knowledge that I can choose my own course. That I can decide my own fate. That I am free.

Truly, though, I don't love You for these things. Oh, a little, surely. But this is gratitude, not love.

I love You for loving me. I love You because You have always loved me, even when I didn't listen to You and didn't believe in You. I love You for supporting me, for being there for me, for forgiving me. I am not the best of Your children, not by a long stretch. Yet You love me anyway.

I know You love all of us. Some people think that makes it less special that You love me. But it doesn't make it less special to me. Love is not diminished for being shared; it is amplified. Your love is amplified by the billions of other souls You love, equally, unstintingly, unshakeably.

And I do not mean to diminish or neglect all that You are by focusing on this one facet. But it means a great deal to me. There's a lot I'm unsure of, a lot I don't know and maybe never will. But this one thing I know: You love us all. You came to Earth, and lived, and died, to show us that. You reach out to us still, every day, to let us know You still love us, You're still there for us, You will still help us.

Before I believed, I didn't know what I needed to be saved from. If G-d is good, why would He threaten me? Why would I need to be saved from Him? Then I realized that perhaps there was something else I needed You for, something I couldn't perceive. I still cannot articulate that difference. But perhaps it has something to do with this. It's the difference between living alone all your life and never knowing what companionship is, and in having someone to share your world with.

I love You.

That's all I have to say.

I love You.
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