February 9th, 2015

Me 2012

The Thing You Want to Do

My friend Kendra once offered advice along these lines for dealing with depression: "find the thing that makes you happy, or failing that, the thing that makes you least unhappy. Do that." There was more to it then that, of course; it's also kind of crisis-advice, aimed at getting you through the day without hurting yourself rather than "how to live a full and productive life".

This weekend, I rented a car so we could do our monthly "load up on groceries". I should've gone to see friends; it always seems a waste of the rental to just use it for groceries. But the week had been overwhelming, and the prospect of dealing with people in person was even more overwhelming. The weather was nice on Saturday, so I loaded my bike into the rental car and drove to the trail instead of biking to it, for a change.

I ended up going for a very short ride, not even 10 miles, because while the weather was gorgeous (mid-60s!), there'd been snow on the ground just two days ago, and the trail had turned to mud. The section of the trail that'd been closed all summer was open again, and I ended up regretting taking it because biking through mud was such a slog. I took the detour back -- a broad paved sidewalk running alongside roads. It took me 80 minutes for the whole ride. Oif.

Afterwards, I went to Panera for bagels and an overpriced frozen chocolate-coffee drink, and to draw. Panera is inextricably linked with drawing and coloring in my head, courtesy of koogrr and jordangreywolf. I brought my mini-sketchbook, my markers, and one of haikujaguar's coloring books, "Not in Need of Quests".

I asked my Twitter feed for prompts and drew a handful of sketches from those, then started coloring one of the pictures from the coloring book. I spent three or so hours at it, before I finally went home.

Sunday, I frittered away the morning jumping between various video games and ideas without accomplishing anything. Finally, I decided to go back to Panera and draw some more. I skipped the bike ride this time, because I was feeling lazy and getting the bike in and out of the car is annoying. Also, muddy trail. But mostly lazy, because otherwise I'd've at least ridden my usual circuit near the house. So I just spent four hours sipping at my froufrou drink and drawing. (I'm not gonna re-post stuff to LJ, but the pictures are over here.)

It was nice. It is not particularly sociable or productive, but it felt just sociable/productive enough that I don't feel like I wasted the weekend and accomplished nothing.

So there. I have a thing I want to do. Drink pricey beverages and make marks on paper. Today, I feel less like I'm depressed and more like I just hate my job. I guess that's progress? Some days I actually kind of like my job, though, so I'm not sure I have achieved normality yet.

Lut and I watched the second disc of Appleseed XIII, which we are pretty meh about. It's lovely to look at, but the story varies from 'okay' to 'wow, that was incredibly contrived and nonsensical' with bonus 'I don't remember Deunan Knute ever being this annoying before'. And the pacing is glacial. Lots of flashbacks and lots and lots of repetition. It's like being bludgeoned to death with THEME. The second disc was better than the first (Deunan finally grew up and stopped being a petulant brat in powered armor) but I'm not sure I'll watch the third. We also went to Minsky's for pizza. :9 And cuddled. I didn't need a car for any of that except for the pizza, but it was all good.