February 5th, 2020

hmm

Enough

For the last couple of days, I've felt as if I am doing enough.

It's very common for me to work a full day at day job, then exercise, then deal with various other chores, and at around 7PM think, "that's it, I don't have the energy to do any writing or editing or art or anything. I give up now."

But on Monday and Tuesday, I reached the evening and thought, "I've done enough. I can relax now." I hadn't done anything creative, and I didn't want to do anything creative, and -- for once -- that was OK. I didn't feel guilty about it. Yesterday I even skipped exercise! So unlike me! And I didn't feel bad about it!

Post-editing depression hit me hard after I finished the edits on The Twilight Etherium, and I'd been expecting it to come back when I finished edits on Spark of Desire. But instead I've been, if anything, more cheerful than usual. I worked on some art on Sunday and I wrote a paragraph of The Lord, His Monster, and Their Lady. But mostly I just played video games and didn't worry about things. I spent a couple of hours walking on Sunday for a Pokemon GO event. If this light snow clears up this afternoon (not looking very likely at the moment), I'll go to the Plaza for the raid hour, so that I can wrap up the "raid" portion of the monthly Team Rocket research quest.

As I write this, I am at Pretend Coffee Shop -- my living room, where Pretend Barista (me) serves me a Coke float. I go to Pretend Coffee Shop much more often than a real coffee shop these days: it's cheaper, more comfortable, I like the drinks better, and Lut is happier when I'm at home. Even when I've driven to the Plaza to walk & play Pokemon Go, I generally go home rather than visit any of the four coffee shops there. The main downside of Pretend Coffee Shop is that I don't feel as much pressure to work and it doesn't get me out of my usual rut as effectively.

I remain all out of cope: whenever some minor annoyance occurs, I hurl imprecations in the direction of my computer, or at the air, depending on what's available. I have successfully convinced my brain that screaming at people is Absolutely Never Acceptable and I don't do that. But for whatever reason I have not been able to stop myself from venting at inanimate objects. But I would prefer to treat setbacks with equanimity. I do not enjoy being angry. -_- I decided this week to ask God for help on this one. It seems like the sort of thing He'd be good at. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, I am out of things to ramble about, so I'll poke at one of my WIPs instead.
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