Rowyn (rowyn) wrote,

My Personal Demons

For the last few weeks, I've been working on a picture. There's a story of a sort behind it.

I did this piece in markers. Most of it I left as scanned, but I retouched the figure on the right in Photopaint. I messed up when I was doing her skin, and my efforts to correct the problem failed. I wound up overworking the paper, and in the original her skin is subtly mottled and she has a rather haggard appeance.

Usually the story behind my art, when there is one, is some piece of fiction. This one is more ... allegory.

See, this is a picture of my own demons. Actually, "they" are really just one demon with two different facets.

The one on the left, all in red, I call "Aennie". Hers is the voice that tells me that whatever I do, it's Never Enough. It's not enough to write a chapter; it has to be a complete story. It's not enough to write a story, it has to be polished and refined. It's not enough to refine the story, it has to be published and read. It wouldn't be enough to publish it either; that means I'd have to do it again, only better. Aennie tells me, "There's no way you can get all that done. So why bother? Don't waste your time starting projects you'll never finish. Don't waste your time exercising when you just have to do it again tomorrow, or bother with cleaning the kitchen when you still have to do the bathroom, and it'll all be dirty again soon anyway. You can't possibly ever do enough, so there's no point in trying."

The one on the right is Lilmore. Lilmore tells me, "You don't have to get it done. You just have to do a little more. You don't need to finish an enty tonight; just start one. Write another sentence. Sure, you don't have time to color that whole picture, but you could do that corner. You can't possibly run the whole mile, but you can take another step. You can make it to that corner. See, you made it? Now make it to the next one. You can stop then. You can stop soon. But until then ... you can do just a little bit more, can't you?"

Even though they sound like opposites, they're not different demons. I know, because I never have to listen to both at the same time. She always picks which face to wear, which tack to take.

I drew them as sexy; as I said to John, "If you're going to have demons, they might as well be sexy ones." But it's appropriate in another way: they are, after all, seductive.

It might seem like Lilmore is a good creature, and she's certainly better than her other half. More useful. But the thing about demons is, even if you think you've got them working towards your own ends -- they're still demons.

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