These are answers from economists to a question posed by the Wall Street Journal, not an article in the Onion, so some of the answers are serious. But you can tell it was a struggle for some of them to answer with a straight face. My favorite:
Paul Kasriel, Northern Trust: I would use the extra cash to start a hedge fund, which would purchase newly-issued asset-backed securities. I would finance my position through the Fed’s TALF program.